Momma Guilt

Some of you already know by reading {G's} birth story, I didn't exactly have the easiest delivery. 

Once the little man was out of my belly, I began to hemorrhage causing me to get super dizzy and nauseated. 

So when my sweet little man was brought up to me although I was beyond words happy to see him safe and healthy, I was really concentrating on trying to NOT throw up on him. 

As soon as my husband had to tae him out of the room, I told the anesthesiologist, I felt guilty for not being happier when I saw him. 

That was Momma Guilt Number 1.

Momma Guilt Number 2: 

I was discharged from the hospital WAY to soon. My hemoglobin levels were only 7 and although I felt fine when I left the walk to the car and rest of the day was spent with me trying to not trip or pass out from dizziness and cue horrible migraine that started that night. 

For 3 days I was SO SICK in bed, and had his daddy change his diaper and do a lot of the talking care of things while I laid helpless only being able to nurse him. After my blood transfusion i FINALLY felt better and could take care of him, but I look back on those 3 days and feel so guilty for not being able to take care of him the way I felt I needed too and that his daddy had to do most of the work. 

& now we are on to 

Momma Guilt Number 3:

I got back to work tomorrow.... That means that I go from being with him almost every single second of the day (minus going to the store a few times and once to the movies) to him having to be without me for 40 (plus drive time) hours a week. Thankfully he will be with his daddy most of the time, but come on he needs his momma. He gets sad when he is away from me for a few minutes let alone a few hours. I am dreading so much that fact that I have to go back to work tomorrow. I just want to stay home and cuddle, play and teach him everything he has to know. I don't want him to have to bee mostly bottle fed now. I LOVE breastfeeding and I am so sad that it will be reduced to just evenings. I can imagine that these next 4 days back at work are going to be tremendously hard, and I am thankful my husband will be sending me lots of sweet little pictures of my little man, but it is not the same as me being there. I am so sad that he will not get to wake up and see me :( So sad that he will be looking for me and wondering why I am not there as much. So much guilt. But at the same time I do know that this is good for him and I will teach him that working is important, and I do LOVE my job. But I love my baby more. 

SO today my sweet 12 weeks old baby and I are spending quality time snuggiling with lotts of hugs and kisses!!

I know in his life I am going to have more guilty moments, but right now he is too little. Three is enough.